Pieces of Me

zoe: yeah... I have a million ideas... although, I am sure I make him far better in my own mind than he could ever really be... I was SHOCKED to discover he had DELETED ME off his yahoo mess.... really i was...
*l: how RUDE
zoe: more than that... HOW.... HOW.... HOW... against EVERYTHING I fought so hard to believe in... defend... the 'Golden Rule'... this symbiosis i was so sure we shared...
*l: seriously
zoe: that he would have no curiosity even... that he could sever that last tie
*l: how awful
zoe: that his silence was NOT actually silence, rather a DEPARTURE
zoe: I am glad I know of it only now
*l: it's one thing to not look...another to not want to look..perhaps he was so heartbroken he couldn't bear to look
zoe: hahaha
zoe: you have not met Zed... obviously....

and now, in reflection... I choose once again to take from this latest encounter with this man, ...who's role in my life I can find no word for... strength and again, freedom...
(he was GONE!! REALLY GONE!!! HOLY CRAP!! I GOT ALL THAT STRENGTH FROM MYSELF ALONE!!! hahahahaha - and while I am sure a saner person than I, would feel devastation that it had all been 'untrue', I became more powerful...) His is a love, undoubtedly, but one that's definition continues to change, as i feel certain it shall, throughout the years of my life... an admittedly complex love I once felt with the devotion of a blind disciple, and now with the tenderness of a creator... always protectively, always blindly...
it's calming, and chaotic... this yin and yang, chicken and egg love... do i love him because of who he is?, or because of what i have made him to be ... and then stole back when i needed strength?...
He does not threaten my love with Kevin.
It is so very different...
and having said that... neither does Kevin threaten my love for him...
I do not remember a me that did not love him.
I know only that I was weaker, and less sure of the world.
he really made me stand-up for myself, though I had pretended to all my life.
And jesus was he unpopular with all my friends - who feared i was only trapped in some web...
...oh... i never meant to cause you trouble...
funny thing? i actually WAS in a web... only I chose to see it as the Ritz...

"We are all lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars" ~Oscar Wilde